Saturday, February 4, 2012

Just one of the reasons the word 'American' may rile a negative connotation;

     Tim and I found ourselves in Pittsburgh with some friends whom we’d seen only once since graduating high school several years before. And a couple of them, having recently traveled to Europe together, were eager for us to take a look at some of the videos that they’d shot while they were over there. There’s had been mostly a ski trip, it seemed, and they’d gone to Switzerland for this purpose. And, of course, the videos started out rather boring (I guess) with lots of shots of the slopes which lasted nearly 20 minutes. Then there were some a bit more interesting of Europeans gliding along with hot air updrafts while attached to giant parachutes hundreds of feet above the ground. But then…and I should have known this was coming. Then came the shots from the lodge where they were staying.
     One of these friends of ours in the video could fart on command and that always brought him many kudos in high school (surprisingly, even from the girls). It was practically a phenomenon. Somehow…this kid had the ability to actually suck up air into his own ass and then release it again at will. They didn’t stink or anything but they didn’t have to! The comedic value of flatulence will never lose its worth. And so, the video commenced.
     They were in the bar/restaurant/lounge area and there was this kid who could fart on command. And for only a second, while I was watching on, I sort of wanted to believe that he’d of outgrown this talent. I sort of wanted to believe that everyone else had to. But no.
     Here he was on the television screen nonchalantly walking up to lone Europeans standing by the bar with a beer in their hands and minding their own business perfectly… And he would just stand there for a while with a beer in his own hand and acting as if he was simply enjoying this beautiful lodge, enjoying his travels, enjoying experiencing these new things and environments… And he would stand there just long enough to be sure that the unsuspecting European was perfectly at east before blasting a Rhinoceros’s worth of air through his ass. And even that cheap, little microphone attached to that video camera…even though the video was probably zoomed in all the way and was actually being filmed from across the room…even it was able to pick up on the reverberations resonating from this kid’s butt as they ripped through his pasty ass cheeks.
The kid’s ability to keep a straight face during this entire act and the audacity to even attempt pulling off such a thing in the first place may have been the only talents more astounding than the prank itself. Basically, with half the bar now staring at him, he’d go on pretending like nothing had happened despite the fact that those closest to him were probably sure that he’d shit his pants and shit them good.
     Then, up on the television screen, the clip would end but instantly resume with another in that very same lodge at that very same bar even! And here was our friend once again; stealthily stepping up to someone standing alone. Someone looking really peaceful. And then…FRAK!
     They roared with laughter as Tim and I watched on without quite knowing what to say. I mean…I guess it was funny. The Europeans on the screen acted as if…well, as if they didn’t know quite how to react. For the most part, they tried to ignore him but some even took the initiative to get up and walk away with looks of disdain on their faces. And some, it seemed, even began to realize that this was all a stunt and that they were indeed being video taped.
     But I was glad to have seen this video as much as I was jealous of these kids for having gone to Europe or anywhere overseas for that matter. I knew my time would come though. I’d make it happen. And, when it did; I also now knew that there was nothing I could possibly do while I was over there (anywhere) to make anyone hate Americans more than these kids had. It didn’t matter if I didn’t know the language! It didn’t matter if I didn’t know the customs! It didn’t even matter if I got drunk and passed out in the street. I’d be fine and I’d be respectful as I could only because it was my nature. And all the anxieties I’d ever had about traveling abroad dissipated just as soon as their ‘vacation video’ wound itself out.
There is really no wonder why they hate us though. There was no doubt.